Steve Irwin Part II

Watch a dangerous encounter with a pack of Walruses

TooBig4Society All-Time Baseball Team

Recently this summer, we here at TooBig4Society, have been playing a lot of softball. Between the 4 of us, we probably weigh close to a half of ton, so that got me thinking. Who are the fattest baseball players of all time? If I were to combine all of them onto a super team, would it be arguably the best team of all time? Would they be possible of getting atleast 1 stolen base? Would the oxygen tank be implemented into the dugout? Would the scales in the locker rooms be replaced with ones made from Mr. Richter? Anyway, here is my all fat baseball team.

Catcher: Sal Fasano

Who the hell else was I gonna pick? This dude has the best facial hair of all time but that is not why he landed on this list. Fasano will be remembered for being one of the fattest catchers of all time. I don't know how this guy didn't sink into the ground every time he squatted down. I guess the physically demanding position did NOTHING for his girth.

Honorable Mention: The Molina Brothers

First Base: Prince Fielder Like father, like son. Prince Fielder (and Cecil) were appropriately named because they are each the size of the field. Prince is listed as 275 pounds as of right now according to ESPN. Yeah, that's true, if baseball was played on Mars. I'm surprised he hasn't mistaken his bat for a twinkie or Twix yet.

Honorable mention: Cecil Fielder, David "Big Papi" Ortiz, Ryan Howard, Miguel Cabrera, Walter Young, Mo Vaughn

Second Base: Al Newman

This was the toughest one to pick. After much debate and research, he was the only fat second baseman I could find. Rumor has it that Mr. Newman would go in to opposing team clubhouses and ask where the nearest all you can eat buffets are. I wish this surprised me more, but after reading all these articles, it doesn't.

Honorable Mention: Ronnie Belliard

Shortstop: Rafael Ramirez I chose this guy for one reason and one reason alone (besides the whole girth/fat factor). In 1989, when he played for the Astros they put an incentive into his contract. If he could keep his weight down and average a monthly weight of 187 pounds, they would give him $12,500 monthly. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

Third Base: Pablo Sandoval

This was a no brainer, despite his recent weight loss. I'm sorry Pablo, you will always be fat to me. Ironically, Pablo is on the one team in the whole MLB that describes his body type the best, simply "Giant." Kung Fu Panda actually got his nickname from an altercation at a Chinese buffet called "Panda" when Sandoval beat the shit out of some guy for the remaining dumplings. I'm just kidding but that would of been hysterical. God, I wish that was true

OF: Babe Ruth, Manny Ramirez, Tony Gwynn

Holy shit. Imagine these three in the outfield. God forbid someone hit a line drive into a gap, they would be guaranteed an inside the park homerun.....twice. Mother of God. The only thing slower than these 3 guys combined is molasses in the winter time. I guarantee if I were to hit a Whopper into the outfield, these guys would catch it.

Starting Pitchers: C.C. Sabathia, Carlos Zambrano, Bartolo Colon, David Wells, John Lackey

Weighing in at an impressive one ton, the fat-tastic five are the epitome of fat baseball players. Whether it's C.C.'s 5XL parachute pants or David Wells being hungover all time (his stomach as well as the alcohol hangover) these men are as big as you can possibly get. The only thing that breaks more than their off speed pitches is their back everytime these men try to pitch a ball. Clearly the positions that require conditioning waved bye bye to them a long time ago. True story. When I was at the Phillies v. Red Sox game last month, John Lackey hit a double and from the 200 section, I heard Lackey breathing so heavy, I thought he was going to hunch over and die. Later that night on TV, they actually showed Lackey mouthing to the dugout "I'm tired!" No shit John. When you look like the Michelin man, you will be tired.

Relief Pitchers: Bob Wickman, Bobby Jenks, Jonathan Broxton, Matt Capps, Rich Garces, Antonio Alfonseca, Heath Bell, Todd Coffey

These closers need to learn how to close their frickin mouths. It is hard to tell if these guys are active during the game in the bullpen (HAHAHA). They sweat at the idea that they may have to run or jog to the pitchers mound. The reason why they stopped using bullpen carts was because none of these damn guys could fit in them. When Heath Bell, ironically named after a candy bar, ran out from the bullpen this year at the All Star game, everyone in attendance and watching was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. Sad, ahh not so much. Closers and relief pitchers get the reward for professional athletes who are TooBig4Society.

TooBig4TheVikings

Naturally, football is the one sport that it is okay to be fat and at certain positions, you have to be fat. Incredibly though, Bryant McKinnie of the Minnesota Vikings prescribed to the Ben, Koosh, and Jordan high school football diet and was cut from the team in which the Vikings quoted that his girth was the "final straw". Well I'm sure this isn't his final straw because his next one will be on a large milkshake from Sonic after hearing his unfortunate fate today.

How heavy was he? He gained 65 pounds from his previous season and is now up to 400 pounds. What the fuck did this guy do during the lock out?  Well obviously, the better question is what didn't he do, and the answer is that he clearly did nothing.  Oh well, I already heard he has a contract offer from the Raiders to be the entire offensive line.  Check out the full article below.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Vikings-release-McKinnie-after-he-showed-up-to-c;_ylt=AmUS5orzOts2RSTxrZ3RGGA5nYcB?urn=nfl-wp4459

One Very "Fat" Shoutout

Last night Jordan and I decided we were going to get some ruthless food together (nothing new) prior to killing a 30 and eventually ordering Wendys at 2 AM as our 'desert.'  Anyway, by the time his big ass got to my house it was a solid hr and half later than expected.  Therefore, naturally we were hungrier than a virgin on prom night and were looking for something, anything to clog our arteries before the beer came through and washed it all out.

Then, the heavens opened up as we made that left turn and saw the sign that gave us stomach boners (yes it's a real thing).

Yup, it's a pizza place called Fat Tony's.  If that's not the perfect place for 2 guys that used to kill entire pizza's at sleepovers in high school the night before we had to play in football games, I don't know what is.  Oh, maybe the amazing buffalo chicken cheesesteak we both housed in about 67 seconds.

Also, the menu includes a deep fried pizza that I'm pissed I didnt order to eat when I was drunk.  Because dollar menu Wendy's just does not cut it.  So get you're fat ass to Fat Tony's in Morrisville, PA to get an amazing dinner.  You deserve it.

 Oh and make sure you follow them here at http://fattonypizza.blogspot.com/

Fun with Fat Booth: Greatest App of all time

We have found an iphone app that has done the impossible...

Something that has actually managed to make us look even bigger, the FAT BOOTH app.

Just when we thought we were actually looking somewhat respectable and inching further and further away from a beluga whale, this happened.

Koosh:
Jordan:Ben:
and Beavis:

The Real Whale Wars: Narrated By Steve Irwin (Beavis)

New! I Hate College (Remix) 2011

In high school I always pictured college like a combination of Van Wilder and Animal House. You know, absolutely gorgeous girls running around in bikinis all day and just being absolutely hammered all the time. That is why I was so pumped to start visiting colleges and see what it was actually like. So one night, Ben calls me up and was like "Do you wanna go visit Rowan tomorrow with me and my family?" I said sure why the hell night and so the next day we went.


Like any orientation, the morning part of the visit was absolutely horrendous. I would of rather had my dick chopped off then sit through another minute of those god damn videos. Throughout this whole entire orientation, there was no little snack stations set up anywhere. I said to myself, how the fuck can I come here, I may literally starve to death. So now its about 12:30pm and Ben and I look at each other and go, "we're STARVING!!" We said fuck it to the tour and bounced to the cafeteria.


The moment we stepped into the cafeteria, it was like the heavens had opened and an angel choir was singing HALLELUJAH! It was the nicest and most vast selection of food I had ever seen. It was like China Buffet, Burger King, Pizza Hut's Lunch Buffet, McDonalds, Subway and any other fantastic food place you can think of had some wild orgy and this baby was born. Ben and I skipped through the cafeteria picking up whatever we can get (since we did a free voucher for lunch). I heard the cafeteria people cry as we were walking through. While we were checking out, these two absolutely smokin girls come over to us and ask us if we wanna hang out with them for a while back in their room. HAHA! Yeah right, it was the lunch lady yelling at me because my hamburger almost fell off the side of my tray. Damnit life.


Anyway, we pay and the only table we can find is in the center of the cafeteria. Great, now Shamu and Free Willy have to venture out into the middle of the whole cafeteria. The tables and chairs were so close to each other leaving us a whopping 2 inches to squeeze through. I have never sucked it in more times than that day. We are about 2 tables away from ours, when all of sudden from behind us we hear this table of asshole buttplugs scream "MOOOOOOO!!!!!!" That's right, they fucking MOOED at us. At first I thought I was the only person who heard it.


When we got to the table, Ben whispers over to me, "Dude, did those kids moo at us?!" I look at him in disgust and say YUP!! We looked at each in disbelief and had the most disappointed looks of all time. It was like we both lost our puppies at the same exact time. Who the fuck moo's at people in the cafeteria?! Seriously. We were being compared to 3300pd animals. Whats next? Are people gonna walk by and jump outta the water like whales do? I hope the kid got herpes or a severe flat tire or something. The rest of the visit, we just held our heads in shame and couldnt wait to get the hell outta there.


A couple weeks later, an envelope came from Rowan to my house, and before I even opened it, I wiped my ass with it and burnt that shit (literally). Granted, it was probably the most entertaining thing that ever happened at a college visit, but it was also the most depressing. But hey, we went on to crush more box and brews (more so the latter part) than we could possibly imagine. Anytime I think of Rowan now, I will always remember the time Ben and I got moo'd at like fucking livestock.

Hamburger Hockey

OK guys, I apologize for the complete lack of posting. We have been slacking here at TooBig4Society and I promise to change that. So, here is my newest story.

Tonight, as I was driving home from the wonderful shit-hole called Scranton, my dad calls me and asks if I want to go to the Trenton Thunder (AA-NY Yankees team) game. My first response was "Why the fuck would we do that?" I agreed to go and my only justification was that we got free tickets. I would rather run the Boston Marathon without training and have my life at stake if I did not finish than pay to go see one of their games. While at the game, I was like who is the ass-hole that invented these dumbass between inning games. I feel humiliated for this damn people. The only thing worse than this was the Yankees signing Hideki Irabu. My dad out of nowhere goes to me "Remember that time you dressed up as a hamburger at that hockey game??" This is my story.

So, my fellow companions of the wonderful University of Scranton (which I just received a B.S. from, which obviously doesn't stand for "being skinny") decided to go to $1 Dogs and Beers at the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Penguins ice-hockey game. Thinking we would beat the crowd and get absolutely plastered, we conveniently arrived at the game at 6:45pm for the 7:05pm start time. We walk in and find out that $1 beers are over at 7:30. Fuck. We all took off running to various beer vendors scooping our 2 beers at a time and chugging them.

So, now with a nice buzz, my friends (who I will call these names for their own protection) "Wolfe, Beast and Carey" all have atleast 4 beers in front us at a little table. The other 8-10 people that went were already at our seats. We finish 3 off and are pretty much drunk at this point when one of the girls who works at the arena asks Carey and us if we want to be in a hamburger making contest. I thought in my head that we would have to literally make a hamburger at a station or something and eat it. Boy, I was dead wrong. After negotiating to get a free T-Shirt for participating, we all grab another round and go to our seats. We had to leave half way through the first period to go get prepared. We all buy another beer, and after we signed our Health Liability Forms, chugged that beer and went downstairs to get prepped.

Once we get downstairs, there are 4 big hamburger bun outfits and 4 Little Tikes helmets along with big styrofoam condiments. It was explained to us that one person had to lay on the ice and the other person had to run around and place the condiments on top of their partner and then jump on the other person to finish the hamburger. I get the bun outfit on and try to get the helmet but it was too damn small. I looked special. I looked like that kid in little league whose parents didn't feel like buying him a new helmet so he had to use the same helmet from tee-ball. The teams were picked and it was Wolfe and I. After much debate, Wolfe (weighing in at 150pds) would lie down on the ground and I (150pds squared) would jump on him. The employee of the stadium intervened and said there was no way I was jumping on anyone, because they didn't want the ice to break. FUCKED UP!! Heres the thing though, Wolfe had a broken ankle and was drunk in his boots on this slippery ass ice. We were doomed. It was the Cripple and the Special Kid.

We get out on the ice and getting a standing ovation from 5,000+ fans at the arena as the announcer named us "Team Manwich". I lay down (more like flopped down on the ice basically cracking it) and the was colder than a Snowman's gooch. The dude counts down and blows the whistle and Wolfe had the reaction time of about 10000000000 seconds. So already were at a disadvantage with his ankle and he gets a delayed start. To make things EVEN BETTER, he almost busts his ass running to the lettuce. He picks up the pace and is throwing them at me and I wasn't going to let any of those condiments fall off (as usual). All of a sudden, after he picks up the tomato I see him bookin' it towards me. I have a belly full of beer and hot-dogs at this point (among other assorted foods) and started to cringe. Wolfe takes off and it looked like a WWF wrestler was about to belly flop me from the top turnbuckle. Wolfe lands on me as I almost throw up all over the ice and the asshole announcer/commentator/d-bag of the century comes running over and shoves the microphone down my throat and says "YOU WON!!! How do you feel??" Flabbergasted, dazed, confused, and with all that beer back into my throat I scream "Ruthless!!!!!" as those 5,000+ people go insane cheering for us along with our section.

So yes, yours truly did dress up as a hamburger bun and successfully won the burger build off. That is TooBig4Society.

To provide you with more entertainment, there is a video embedded in the bottom of this article.

Before I conclude, there was another TooBig4Society moment at the hockey game. One of my biggest fans that night and one of my favorite neighbors of all time, who we will call "Bags", had a notary TooBig4Society night. Bags definitely took advantage of the dollar brews as he probably finished 12 and probably the same amount of hot dogs too. With that not being enough, Bags took off to the concession stand. Upon his arrival he screams "I bought family size french fries! If you want any, lemme know." After the initial cheer and about 5 minutes later, I yell down for some. To my amazement he goes "Sorry bro" and flips the bucket over and not even a crumb as left in that mondo bucket. This bucket was huge. Not just your ordinary run of the mill $14 dollar fry bucket. This thing could of held over a third world country for a few hours. For that, we honor you Mr. Bags here at this site.

Yours truly is the one who salutes to the camera around 4seconds into the video. This is Team Manwich doing work on the near side.

Speedoman: Part I

About a year ago I lost a bet.  A bet that changed the lives of hundreds.  A bet that turned on much of the facebook and youtube community.  A bet SO big that I could barely fit in it.  A Speedo bet.

Last summer I lost this epic bet that involved me having to order the most ridiculous, the most hilarious, and the most unproperly fitting speedo I could get my hands on.  By god I found that precious item and graced the world with its presence.  Barely covering my coconuts, inching over my ass cheeks, and giving the term banana hammock a whole new meaning, this legendary speedo caused quite a scene in South Carolina as I brought it out that fateful day.

Of course I had to make it into a movie, as it was the first movie I ever edited together actually.  It was an immediate hit on facebook and youtube grabbing over 200 views in the first day (almost, but not as monstrous as Fat Guy, Little Tube).  Why so many people wanted to see me in a speedo is beyond me, but it was quite flattering.  Now, with over 400 views, my horrible tan lines, a cowboy hat, a pedophile mustache and the ultimate speedo is all I need to make this video a hit once again.

Now comes the time to RE RELEASE the most legendary movie ever made about a speedo in hopes to get everyone excited for part 2...

Yup.  You read that right.  Our fans have been asking me for months to make a part 2 and they got it!  Speedoman: Part II is being made next week and will be 100x more ridiculous, more sexy, more funny, more hairy, more tan, more sensual, and more Too BIG 4 Society than ever!

Here's where you guys (the fans) come in.  A poll of epic proportions will be put up that we ask of you to vote on!  Where will Speedoman go?  What will Speedoman do?  Who will Speedoman turn on next?  You decide as we raise the stakes!...and no Koosh not those kind of steaks.

Beer and Fast Food: A Combo Make in Heaven

So I wake up this morning and this morning is unlike any other before. The only time I was ever this pumped when we put up the Fat Guy, Little Tube (Koosh) video. I was browsing through different news articles on USA Today and found this link talking about how Burger King would have this "Whopper Bar" where you can basically your own Whopper. I already knew about this shit for like the last 2 years and continued to follow that rumor like the FBI does on their most wanted criminals. But no. Burger King along with Sonic and Starbucks are now serving beer and wine at their respective locations.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!!!!!! I literally almost had a heart attack reading that article. I'm sold. This has been one of my ultimate dreams growing up. If I found a genie and she could grant me one wish, this would be it.

There have been ruthless inventions throughout my time here on Earth (XBox, porn, this site, Triple Whopper) and not so good ones (treadmills, gyms). But this one folks has to be the greatest one of all time. Do you know how many times I have been absolutely trashed and ran train on BK, McDonalds, Wendy's and Taco Bell. Now, I can get a Whopper Value Meal for 8 bucks which comes with a 16oz aluminum bottle brewski. DO YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT YET? Recent studies have shown that being overweight may lead to male erectile dysfunction. After reading this article, I may have to go to the emergency room because I will have a hard-on for atleast 10 more hours.

It is like the fast-food gods sculpted this with their very own hands. Beer and fast-food is almost equivalent to Ben and Jerry, and Kit and Kat. As I am writing this article I can literally hear my heart crying and my stomach hysterically laughing. I have successfully found another way to shave almost a decade off of my life. But hey, in the words of my friend Jordan its the "quality of life." I cannot wait til one of these burger/beer joints starts around here. Its a win-win situation for all of us here. Now, when I look down at my receipt and realize I have spent $13.56 on the dollar menu, I can simply drink away my pain and have no regrets. The FDA and Surgeon General hate it, and I absolutely love it.

Heres the link to the article: http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-06-30-fast-food-restaurants-offering-alcohol_n.htm?csp=obinsite

Bad Boys, Bad Boys Whatcha Gonna Do

The first thing I would like to say is thank you for the amazing feedback on Fat Guy, Little Tube. For anyone who has been texting me or facebook IM'ing me, thank you as well. They act as motivation for us to continue to bring you the best internet stories and videos of all time.

So yesterday, all of your writers of TooBig4Society decided it would be a good idea to go play volleyball for the first time since we founded our intramural team I.H.O.P (I Hate Obese People) in highschool. I have never seen more sweat drip off such large body surface areas in my life. The collective sweat from Ben, Beavis, Jordan and I could of atleast filled 2 baby pools. It was damn near disgusting. After 2 hours of playing, we decided to go back to my humble abode to just sit in my pool and that's when TooBig4Society as a whole got pulled over for the first time.

Before we get into the car, we had to try and wipe as much sand off as possible from areas including but not limited to: double/triple chins, love handles, ass cracks, gooches, rolls, and ungodly amounts of backhair (I think I have one piece of backhair, but Ben and Jordan have enough for the 3 of us combined). We hop into my little ass Honda Accord which now became a low rider with the collective almost 1000 pounds in it. As we are approaching the light at the intersection there is kid getting what seemed to be a ticket from 2 cops in a deli parking lot to our left. Thinking nothing of it, I honk my horn at the light in hopes of turning it green. Ben yells FATASS!! from the backseat and says "Stop Fatboy, your gonna get pulled over." Not thinking much of it, I honk again and another epic fail.

So now I turn left onto Route 130 with my gas pedal pushed down through the floor board. In a cool 5 mins, I finally reached around 60 m.p.h. My car engine sounded so strained, I thought it was going to end its life right there. Pulling around 1000 pds. with 180 horsepower is worse than Chinese water torture. I make a right to go towards my neighborhood and BOOM! the lights go on and I smelt bacon (not because I was hungry, but because this cop pulled me over). For some reason the 4 of us always look (in cops eyes as ruthless criminals) because the moment the guy pulled us over, he put the flood light on us. I don't know if it was because normal headlights cannot fully illuminate us, so the cop can fully see the 4 of us but whatever. Not one person in the car has a seatbelt on and Jordan is shirtless in the front seat. Recipe for disaster. The cop comes up and goes what I thought "What are you doing?" and I intelligently responded "Oh! Going to my house" and he said "NO!, I said How are you doing?" Fuck.

The guy then proceeded to ask for drivers license and what not. The cop kept checking me out and looking at me strangely. Probably because at DMV I may have lied a little and put my weight down as 215 (I thought he was going to recognize me from Fat Guy, Little Tube). The cop then proceeds to go to me "Was that you who honked your horn at the light. If it was you, why?" Do you wanna know what my clever response was "Well, Officer, I heard a rumor that if you do, the light turns green." All of a sudden over his walkie talkie we all hear "We have an Asian male passed out in the corner. Not sure if he's conscious over." The cop now looks into the backseat and see's a case of Budweiser between Ben and Beavis in the backseat. He asks for all our ages and everyone says 22, except Ben who says "Yeahhhhhh I'm like 22 and a half.......ish." At this point I'm bound to get arrested. The cop was not pleased whatsoever. After a few more questions, the cop lets me off. The cop booked it outta there. I assume it was to help this knocked out Asian kid or it have may been from the ungodly sight of fat kids sweating their asses off and smelling something equivalent to baby shit.

The moral of this story is A) do not drive with 2.5 other fat kids and B) honking your horn at a light will not turn it green. This was TooBig4Society's first run in with the law, but I doubt it is the last. Thank you also to the kid who passed out and got me outta 3 tickets (cop tried to give me a ticket for speeding, but after he saw who was in the car, he knew the only time we heard speed was in speed-eating). I hope you have recovered successfully.

Too BIG 4 my high school desk

If there's one thing I've come to realize in my 22 years of existence, it's that I can't trust anything that I'm about to sit down on.  It's almost as if the builders at the chair or in this case, desk making companies are like "hah lets fuck over the big people and build desks that are too small so their guts hang over and make chairs that can't hold over 150 pounds so they can break 'em and we get to laugh."  Seriously though, the fact that I've broken 2 chairs already this summer should surprise no one, and I'm about to just permanently carry around a titanium chair that could hold the weight of 2 elephants to absolutely make sure I'm not embarrassing myself yet again.

Well, this "I broke the shit out of it" story is the first of 2 that happened to me in high school that I feel like sharing so you get to laugh and feel better about yourself just like those assholes at the desk making company.  It was about 5 years ago and my teacher was one of those she's only sexy because she's my teacher kind of teachers. But she totally wanted me up until this fateful day when I decided to look like the fattest idiot in school.  Class had started and we had group projects going on, so I was told to move towards my assigned part of the classroom.  OF COURSE I couldn't be assigned to the part of the classroom with the strong and sturdy desks, I had to be thrown in to the desk from umpa lumpa hell.  I attempted to sit in this tiny little desk and whaddya know, I had a better chance of fitting through that little tube that Koosh somehow managed to glide through.

Since I couldn't fit IN the desk, genious me decides to sit ON the desk.  Yeah, because that's really gonna fucking work Ben.  Next thing I know, everything is in slow motion as the desk literally snaps in half and I come crashing to the ground like a god damn meteor.  It was probably top 3 fastest I'd ever moved in my life which I guess is like saying I won a race between a dead person and retarded turtle.  Next thing I know the entire classroom freezes, stares and begins to hysterically laugh at the kid who managed to completely mangle a classroom desk.

My hot teacher turned at me while I was on the floor and yelled, "Ben!  What the hell are you doing!?  Why'd you break that desk!?"

Of course I'm laughing my ass off looking around me at this desk that looked like King Kong pounced on it while I sit there on the ground like a giant baby in between the broken halves.  One of my best friends Caroline happened to be there that day and still constantly reminds me about "the time I mangled my math class desk" in front of her.  She stood laughing and crying uncontrollably at the site but actually managed to help me up.  We took a look at the annihilated desk and noticed that I had completely snapped off the metal attachments, the wood had broken in half, and the screws had been launched all over the floor.  It might have been the most destroyed desk I'd ever seen and I'm pretty sure my teacher was in awe that I hadn't done it on purpose.  This was one of those days that stays as a constant reminder to me that I am in fact, Too BIG 4 Society.

Top Ten Current Fattest Athletes in Sports

10- Glen Davis- Maybe it’s hard to view him as fat, but I had to put someone from the NBA. His nickname of course is big baby, but that’s because its short for baby back ribs. I heard since Amare called him fat hes been doing crunches daily….Nestle crunches.

9-Pablo Sandoval- Your about to notice a trend of baseball players, which may start to qualify it as the laziest sport. Whenever you are nicknamed (Panda) after a big animal you know you are fat. Most athletes are named after agile and ferocious animals and this guy is named after a giant, cuddly bear. He dove for a ball to the left the other day and caused a shift in the San Andreas fault.

8-Shaun Rogers- Of course NFL lineman are supposed to be huge but not that huge. Plus he plays for the Lions, which is like playing for the Mets these days. Sadly enough, he has the same nickname as Glen Davis and the Lions usually rank last in the league in fumble recoveries because this man tries to eat the ball instead of just falling on it.

7- Prince Fielder- In his defense, his dad was also fat but still there is no need to have a stomach that large. I just feel bad for the team trying to give him a contract because they are going to have to offer him 2 because he is the size of 2 people

6-Joe Blanton- Yes, he pitches for my favorite team and yes he did hit a home run in the World Series but lets face it, he was out of breath by the time he reached home plate and his ERA seems to always creep up around the same number as his weight ( Current Era- 5.50)

5-C.C Sabathia- The alternate spelling of his first name is CiCi, in honor of the phenomenal pizza buffet. It’s hard to rip on his skill because he is one of the best left handed pitchers in the game. Thank god the Yankees have such a high payroll because most of it contributes to stitching his fat ass a uniform that is loose on him. Maybe the tarp would be a better fit and be more cost effective.

4-Tony Stewart- Listen, we don’t have to sit here and debate whether NASCAR is a real sport because the bottom line is Tony Stewart is fat. I don’t watch much NASCAR and I know Jordan is creaming his pants at the thought of this being here, but I guess it would make sense that he is fat. I believe he spends the longest making a pit stop because he uses his headset as an ordering tactic for food.

3- Albert Haynesworth- Ok, I know I have been pushing for this guy to come to the Eagles, but realistically I just want Andy Reid to at least have someone to relate to. After signing a typical Redskins contract, this fat idiot failed the fitness test. The portion he probably failed was the skinfold because they didn’t have a pair of tongs to measure his stomach.

2- Jared Lorenzen- LOL is the first thing that comes to mind. Okay he’s not technically active, nor ever really has ever been is his life, but what were the credentials to be a starting QB at his college? Ohh I know, considering he went to Kentucky , the lineman had a KFC eat off and the loser was considered the skinniest and most able to play QB. He does have a super bowl ring though , pictures do confirm it is in fact an onion ring

1- John Daly- I understand golf involves no athleticism (I didn’t say no skill) considering you actually drive a vehicle to your next shot, but don’t at least his tits get in the way on the backswing? I know this is in no order, but holy shit. If there was a category for fattest, laziest, and biggest slopper he would take the cake and im sure that’s how he would want it.



Johhny Boy Cooling Off


Thank you for the great response for "Fat Guy, Little Tube" and if you haven't checked it out yet, please do because you will laugh your ass off

Fat Guy, Little Tube (Koosh)

FAT GUY LITTLE TUBE HAS MOVED TO http://toobig4society.com/?p=128!

Sorry for the inconvenience, but please visit as we are expanding.

Love,

The Too Big 4 Society Team

http://toobig4society.com/?p=128

The Sloppers

Once we discovered the beyond awesome response from our fans via comments, facebook, and twitter, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone stepped up and wanted to add to the awesomeness of this blog.  Well, here it is everyone.  Guest writer and beloved fellow slopper, Chris Rohman chimes in with his guest post for Too BIG 4 Society.

I hit a huge growth spurt going into my freshman year of high school measuring me at 6'2, and I haven’t grown an inch since (vertically). Growing drastically in a short amount of time made me quite uncoordinated and rather sloppy. I had zero hand-eye coordination and couldn’t juke a blind folded kid on crutches. I tried out for a receiving position in football because I thought they score all the touchdowns and get all the bitches. I failed miserably. I dropped every pass thrown to me and the only thing I caught was coach talking shit about me on the sidelines saying something like “what the fuck is this kid doing here?” Coach finally got fed up with my disgracefulness and said “Buddy go try defense.”  So I took a walk of shame across the field like a girl with her head hung low after a one night stand with one of us.

I stumbled into the defensive linemen’s practicing area near a padded dummy and realized I was the skinniest kid in fat camp, but somehow I felt right at home. I was never enthusiastic about running, up-downs, or bear crawls so these were my kind of guys- round, slow, and unmotivated to do anything physically demanding, a slopper. I don’t remember who said it, but “slopper” became a popular term, fat kid lingo. Ben, Koosh, and Jordan were the big three, I mean I once saw one of them get down in the 3 point stance and roll over onto his face. Gravity was simply not on our side when trying to balance on one hand. I got to know these sloppers mainly during... you guessed it, lunch. After devouring a couple cheesesteaks and some bags of chips we would just lay on big blue mats in the basement or on bleachers at the gym in front of fans, just sloppin around. Over the next few days of practice I realized they were great company at lunch, but you did not want to be around them during practice. These guys uncontrollably ripped ass every time they hit the sled or god for bid had to run for once.

Now, I knew couldn’t match up to them in size or weight but we shared common goals and hardships such as half-assing, chronic laziness, profusely sweating just by standing still, and a deep hunger for Chinese buffet after practice.  Powered by 2-a-day practices, workouts, and a severe case of the munchies, I was able to muster an appetite worthy of a slopper. We would have epic feasts at the Chinese buffet with each of us finishing more plates than you can count on one hand. It was at this point of my life I realized I may not be a slopper in size but I damn sure am a slopper at heart and I was slowly, but surely, becoming Too Big 4 Society.


Oh, and if there any doubts to my slopper credentials.  I pulled a Ben and did this to my chair last night...

Get Excited, Very Excited

Dear Loyal viewers of #TooBig4Society,

You guys have gone over and above all of my expectations so far in regards to this blog, and I want to personally thank you from the bottom of my hopefully not so clogged heart. As the famous philosopher Gunther once said, its a "tutti frutti summer" right now and I would personally like to repay all of our viewers for their amazing feedback. To do so, I, Koosh, formerly Sham, Free Willy, Shamu, Fatman among other names, will attempt to perform an Olympic caliber dive through a pool tube designed for little girls under the age of the 5. The idea came to me one night while your fellow writers and I amongst our other hefty peers were frolicking around in the pool and someone bet me that I couldn't jump through the inner tube with a diameter of no lie, less than 10 inches. The person was so confident that I couldn't fit, he bet me his life savings, his kidneys and a year of whatever fast-food I wanted. Imagine trying to fit a bowling ball through a hole the size of a quarter. Even better, imagine trying to fit a sumo wrestler through a basketball hoop.

Me fitting through this tube was damn near impossible and defied any laws of gravity. Newton was probably rolling around in his grave after he heard what happened (or felt the mild tremor that occurred after). To prove my critics wrong, I did a little pre-game stretch. As I'm about to start the dive I hear comments such as "You'll fit through that tube when Stevie Wonder reads his kids a goodnight story" and "Even Jesus couldn't perform that kind of miracle." To their disbelief I took off running like a starving Ethiopian child towards a Big-Mac, and BOOM! wouldnt you believe it. Im not going to tell you the results of this story until after the video is posted. I'll leave you with this though, the only time I have seen jaws drop lower is Ben trying to eat a Triple whopper.

This is where, you, the viewers come in. If you want to see me re-create this dive, in a teeny weenie string bikini (bottom only), we need 50 votes. A poll will be up for you guys to vote. Once we reach 50 votes, the hysterical video will be posted. There will be no gimmicks. There will be no lubrication on the tube to squeeze me through. The only hope I have jumping through that tube is that there will be a twinkie waiting at the bottom for me....that is if I make it.

So please, I ask all of you, to either follow us on Twitter @Toobig4society and watch for our updates on Twitter and Facebook. Tell all your friends because hands down, this could be the next viral YouTube sensation.

This is why you don't mess with fat kids

This kid gives fat kids everywhere hope.  Hope when you're being made fun of because your cereal bowl has a lifeguard, or because you're so fat you broke a branch off your family tree.  We here at Too BIG 4 Society would like to award this slopper with the most ruthless fat kid on earth award right now, as what he did is what fat kids dream of since the first day of middle school.  Enjoy.

What a start to my football career

Football: The sport fat 13 year olds "play" to make themselves actually feel like athletes. Last time I checked though, having a bunch of 300 lb. water buffalo (as our coach used to call us) sneak packages of chips, twizzlers and sunflower seeds underneath our pads doesn't exactly constitute someone as athletic. Now, don't get me wrong as the only phrase scarier to me than "2 a days" is "WEIGHT LIMIT," because football practice was brutal.

My first day of practice was a doozy, containing hands down one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Morning practice was over with and we had about an hour and a half to eat lunch and put on the entire uniform for the first time. Turns out I needed about 2 and half hours to do so, as I was more frustrated trying to put those pads on than Ray Charles in a 3D movie. For about 45 minutes, I was trying to stick my thigh pad in the hip spot, my ass pad in the thigh spot, and my hip pad in the ass spot.  I was already sweating profusely, probably even more than I did that day at practice. I still have no idea how I was so bad at this, but by the time I figured the fucking jigsaw puzzle from hell out, there were only 2 kids left in the locker room with me.

That long, depressing walk of shame to the practice field was excruciating. As us three stooges arrived a solid 45 minutes late, I'll never forget the loud "Where the HELL were you guys!?" from our d bag coach. All I could think was "Thank god I have my helmet on so nobody recognizes who the hell I am." It turns out the 2 kids I was with quit a day later, and I probably should have joined 'em.

A couple years later I finally told Koosh and Jordan that one of those fat idiots who didn't know how to put their football pads on was me and they couldn't stop laughing.  Good thing putting on a helmet was retard proof or my entire high school career woulda been out the window.

How It All Started

To fully appreciate all of this, you have to understand how it all started. Coming out of middle school, I was probably, ah fuck it, I was the heaviest kid out of the whole 60 of us. Going into high-school, I finally decided that I should use my weight to my advantage. Instead of you know, maybe limiting myself to 1 box of oreos instead of 2, I came to the conclusion that I should play football. Up until that point in my life that was the worst best decision I had ever made. I wont get into the details of football just yet, but trust me, you’ll love every second of it. Luckily with football I met 2 of my best friends, Ben and Jordan. Boom, now we are at high school orientation. Exhausted from the month of miserable 2 a day football practices I was pumped for high school and hoping that I could meet and bang as many chicks as possible. On the way to lunch, ironically, I’m talking to this chick and we seemed to be hitting it off and BOOM! wouldnt you know. I get a god damn nose bleed from hell that got all over me and looks like a small whale had ovulated on me. It was fucking disgusting. The next day, school officially started, and I walk into my first class. Its as if Ronald McDonald, the Burger King and that bitch from Wendys assembled an all-star team and put Jordan, Ben and I in the same class. The sad thing is, at our prime, the 3 of us combined, probably weighed close to a half of a ton. Mother of God. Little did we know at that time that we would endure broken desks, getting stuck in desks and many failed attempts at trying to get a date with our English teacher.

A few months later, it was our first dance to go to as freshman. It seemed that all our new friends had locked up dates and to our very own disbelief, it got to (Freshman) Cotillion day and Ben, Pat (whom I never met yet) and I were dateless. Fucked up right?!? In my mind I thought there is no fucking way I am going stag and facing that much embarrassment already. I get a call later on that night from Ben asking if I wanna sleep over. I gladly accepted. What the hell else was I gonna do? Stay home and jerk off and play PS2 all night? Its 7 o’clock at night. Ive already whacked it 10 times since I got home from school. Bens house is conveniently located down the street from a Dunkin Donuts. My mom threatened physical punishment and a membership to the local gym if I didn’t get a dozen donuts to bring to Ben’s house. I get to Ben’s and of course, he starts hysterically laughing as I walk downstairs and see 2 large Dominos Pizzas, cheesy bread and some dessert which had already been housed by Ben and Pat. Within the blink of an eye, those delicious French crullers and boston crème pie donuts were gone. A few hours and a few flipouts passed and we said fuck it, were the only 3 not at cotillion right now, lets make our own dance. A few minutes later, we were in Ben’s sisters room downstairs making spanking gestures at the various mirrors in the room and rockin out to Brick House. Yes, Brick House. Out of all the songs to pick from, we chose that one. Once that concluded we decided to attempt to go to sleep. It was from that moment on that I started to realize (as my arteries started to harden) that I might be too big for society.

Follow us on twitter @toobig4society....if you cant keep up with us then you should be ashamed of yourself b/c the last time I checked, my mile was timed with a sun-dial.



And yes, this is a Triple Whopper.



Now listen, I’m not going to sit here and bullshit about how fast food causes obesity and things you already know. Let me get real here though when I tell you that at one point in our unhealthy 22 years of survival, fast food controlled our lives. Had you asked us in high school to choose between a three way with two smokeshows or eat two smokehouse burgers from BK, we wouldn’t even consider option 1. 

Fast food was a way of life back in the day, and the movie “Supersize Me” Just seems to be a story of our typical Saturday afternoons. Now clearly all of us enjoy fast food, but we seemed to turn the word enjoy and evolve it into premature atherosclerosis. We would not take a stroll to Mcdonalds because we were hungry, but rather just bored. Most college seniors wait by their mailbox to find out if they got into a good college, we waited by our mailbox for coupons to Wendys. For fucks sake, Koosh ate a dozen McChickens before a football practice once and probably still ate 2 dinners that night. We would use any and every excuse to get fast food. After school, Koosh and I would go to Mcdonalds and claim that we went because we wanted to play Monopoly. Yeah right, like we gave 2 shits about a childhood board game. Although, had Monopoly money been real, I would make Richie Rich look like an Ethiopian because I would have a Mcdonalds in every square inch of my house.

Had we all saved the money that we ended up spending in our lifetime on fast food, I believe we could purchase a world class yacht. Of course we would just put a Mcdonalds on the yacht and have to sell it within a month.

Be sure to follow us on Twitter at TooBig4Society because it's really not too difficult to keep up with us