Too BIG 4 my high school desk

If there's one thing I've come to realize in my 22 years of existence, it's that I can't trust anything that I'm about to sit down on.  It's almost as if the builders at the chair or in this case, desk making companies are like "hah lets fuck over the big people and build desks that are too small so their guts hang over and make chairs that can't hold over 150 pounds so they can break 'em and we get to laugh."  Seriously though, the fact that I've broken 2 chairs already this summer should surprise no one, and I'm about to just permanently carry around a titanium chair that could hold the weight of 2 elephants to absolutely make sure I'm not embarrassing myself yet again.

Well, this "I broke the shit out of it" story is the first of 2 that happened to me in high school that I feel like sharing so you get to laugh and feel better about yourself just like those assholes at the desk making company.  It was about 5 years ago and my teacher was one of those she's only sexy because she's my teacher kind of teachers. But she totally wanted me up until this fateful day when I decided to look like the fattest idiot in school.  Class had started and we had group projects going on, so I was told to move towards my assigned part of the classroom.  OF COURSE I couldn't be assigned to the part of the classroom with the strong and sturdy desks, I had to be thrown in to the desk from umpa lumpa hell.  I attempted to sit in this tiny little desk and whaddya know, I had a better chance of fitting through that little tube that Koosh somehow managed to glide through.

Since I couldn't fit IN the desk, genious me decides to sit ON the desk.  Yeah, because that's really gonna fucking work Ben.  Next thing I know, everything is in slow motion as the desk literally snaps in half and I come crashing to the ground like a god damn meteor.  It was probably top 3 fastest I'd ever moved in my life which I guess is like saying I won a race between a dead person and retarded turtle.  Next thing I know the entire classroom freezes, stares and begins to hysterically laugh at the kid who managed to completely mangle a classroom desk.

My hot teacher turned at me while I was on the floor and yelled, "Ben!  What the hell are you doing!?  Why'd you break that desk!?"

Of course I'm laughing my ass off looking around me at this desk that looked like King Kong pounced on it while I sit there on the ground like a giant baby in between the broken halves.  One of my best friends Caroline happened to be there that day and still constantly reminds me about "the time I mangled my math class desk" in front of her.  She stood laughing and crying uncontrollably at the site but actually managed to help me up.  We took a look at the annihilated desk and noticed that I had completely snapped off the metal attachments, the wood had broken in half, and the screws had been launched all over the floor.  It might have been the most destroyed desk I'd ever seen and I'm pretty sure my teacher was in awe that I hadn't done it on purpose.  This was one of those days that stays as a constant reminder to me that I am in fact, Too BIG 4 Society.