How It All Started

To fully appreciate all of this, you have to understand how it all started. Coming out of middle school, I was probably, ah fuck it, I was the heaviest kid out of the whole 60 of us. Going into high-school, I finally decided that I should use my weight to my advantage. Instead of you know, maybe limiting myself to 1 box of oreos instead of 2, I came to the conclusion that I should play football. Up until that point in my life that was the worst best decision I had ever made. I wont get into the details of football just yet, but trust me, you’ll love every second of it. Luckily with football I met 2 of my best friends, Ben and Jordan. Boom, now we are at high school orientation. Exhausted from the month of miserable 2 a day football practices I was pumped for high school and hoping that I could meet and bang as many chicks as possible. On the way to lunch, ironically, I’m talking to this chick and we seemed to be hitting it off and BOOM! wouldnt you know. I get a god damn nose bleed from hell that got all over me and looks like a small whale had ovulated on me. It was fucking disgusting. The next day, school officially started, and I walk into my first class. Its as if Ronald McDonald, the Burger King and that bitch from Wendys assembled an all-star team and put Jordan, Ben and I in the same class. The sad thing is, at our prime, the 3 of us combined, probably weighed close to a half of a ton. Mother of God. Little did we know at that time that we would endure broken desks, getting stuck in desks and many failed attempts at trying to get a date with our English teacher.

A few months later, it was our first dance to go to as freshman. It seemed that all our new friends had locked up dates and to our very own disbelief, it got to (Freshman) Cotillion day and Ben, Pat (whom I never met yet) and I were dateless. Fucked up right?!? In my mind I thought there is no fucking way I am going stag and facing that much embarrassment already. I get a call later on that night from Ben asking if I wanna sleep over. I gladly accepted. What the hell else was I gonna do? Stay home and jerk off and play PS2 all night? Its 7 o’clock at night. Ive already whacked it 10 times since I got home from school. Bens house is conveniently located down the street from a Dunkin Donuts. My mom threatened physical punishment and a membership to the local gym if I didn’t get a dozen donuts to bring to Ben’s house. I get to Ben’s and of course, he starts hysterically laughing as I walk downstairs and see 2 large Dominos Pizzas, cheesy bread and some dessert which had already been housed by Ben and Pat. Within the blink of an eye, those delicious French crullers and boston crème pie donuts were gone. A few hours and a few flipouts passed and we said fuck it, were the only 3 not at cotillion right now, lets make our own dance. A few minutes later, we were in Ben’s sisters room downstairs making spanking gestures at the various mirrors in the room and rockin out to Brick House. Yes, Brick House. Out of all the songs to pick from, we chose that one. Once that concluded we decided to attempt to go to sleep. It was from that moment on that I started to realize (as my arteries started to harden) that I might be too big for society.

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