Football: The sport fat 13 year olds "play" to make themselves actually feel like athletes. Last time I checked though, having a bunch of 300 lb. water buffalo (as our coach used to call us) sneak packages of chips, twizzlers and sunflower seeds underneath our pads doesn't exactly constitute someone as athletic. Now, don't get me wrong as the only phrase scarier to me than "2 a days" is "WEIGHT LIMIT," because football practice was brutal.
My first day of practice was a doozy, containing hands down one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Morning practice was over with and we had about an hour and a half to eat lunch and put on the entire uniform for the first time. Turns out I needed about 2 and half hours to do so, as I was more frustrated trying to put those pads on than Ray Charles in a 3D movie. For about 45 minutes, I was trying to stick my thigh pad in the hip spot, my ass pad in the thigh spot, and my hip pad in the ass spot. I was already sweating profusely, probably even more than I did that day at practice. I still have no idea how I was so bad at this, but by the time I figured the fucking jigsaw puzzle from hell out, there were only 2 kids left in the locker room with me.
That long, depressing walk of shame to the practice field was excruciating. As us three stooges arrived a solid 45 minutes late, I'll never forget the loud "Where the HELL were you guys!?" from our d bag coach. All I could think was "Thank god I have my helmet on so nobody recognizes who the hell I am." It turns out the 2 kids I was with quit a day later, and I probably should have joined 'em.
A couple years later I finally told Koosh and Jordan that one of those fat idiots who didn't know how to put their football pads on was me and they couldn't stop laughing. Good thing putting on a helmet was retard proof or my entire high school career woulda been out the window.
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