TooBig4Society All-Time Baseball Team

Recently this summer, we here at TooBig4Society, have been playing a lot of softball. Between the 4 of us, we probably weigh close to a half of ton, so that got me thinking. Who are the fattest baseball players of all time? If I were to combine all of them onto a super team, would it be arguably the best team of all time? Would they be possible of getting atleast 1 stolen base? Would the oxygen tank be implemented into the dugout? Would the scales in the locker rooms be replaced with ones made from Mr. Richter? Anyway, here is my all fat baseball team.

Catcher: Sal Fasano

Who the hell else was I gonna pick? This dude has the best facial hair of all time but that is not why he landed on this list. Fasano will be remembered for being one of the fattest catchers of all time. I don't know how this guy didn't sink into the ground every time he squatted down. I guess the physically demanding position did NOTHING for his girth.

Honorable Mention: The Molina Brothers

First Base: Prince Fielder Like father, like son. Prince Fielder (and Cecil) were appropriately named because they are each the size of the field. Prince is listed as 275 pounds as of right now according to ESPN. Yeah, that's true, if baseball was played on Mars. I'm surprised he hasn't mistaken his bat for a twinkie or Twix yet.

Honorable mention: Cecil Fielder, David "Big Papi" Ortiz, Ryan Howard, Miguel Cabrera, Walter Young, Mo Vaughn

Second Base: Al Newman

This was the toughest one to pick. After much debate and research, he was the only fat second baseman I could find. Rumor has it that Mr. Newman would go in to opposing team clubhouses and ask where the nearest all you can eat buffets are. I wish this surprised me more, but after reading all these articles, it doesn't.

Honorable Mention: Ronnie Belliard

Shortstop: Rafael Ramirez I chose this guy for one reason and one reason alone (besides the whole girth/fat factor). In 1989, when he played for the Astros they put an incentive into his contract. If he could keep his weight down and average a monthly weight of 187 pounds, they would give him $12,500 monthly. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

Third Base: Pablo Sandoval

This was a no brainer, despite his recent weight loss. I'm sorry Pablo, you will always be fat to me. Ironically, Pablo is on the one team in the whole MLB that describes his body type the best, simply "Giant." Kung Fu Panda actually got his nickname from an altercation at a Chinese buffet called "Panda" when Sandoval beat the shit out of some guy for the remaining dumplings. I'm just kidding but that would of been hysterical. God, I wish that was true

OF: Babe Ruth, Manny Ramirez, Tony Gwynn

Holy shit. Imagine these three in the outfield. God forbid someone hit a line drive into a gap, they would be guaranteed an inside the park homerun.....twice. Mother of God. The only thing slower than these 3 guys combined is molasses in the winter time. I guarantee if I were to hit a Whopper into the outfield, these guys would catch it.

Starting Pitchers: C.C. Sabathia, Carlos Zambrano, Bartolo Colon, David Wells, John Lackey

Weighing in at an impressive one ton, the fat-tastic five are the epitome of fat baseball players. Whether it's C.C.'s 5XL parachute pants or David Wells being hungover all time (his stomach as well as the alcohol hangover) these men are as big as you can possibly get. The only thing that breaks more than their off speed pitches is their back everytime these men try to pitch a ball. Clearly the positions that require conditioning waved bye bye to them a long time ago. True story. When I was at the Phillies v. Red Sox game last month, John Lackey hit a double and from the 200 section, I heard Lackey breathing so heavy, I thought he was going to hunch over and die. Later that night on TV, they actually showed Lackey mouthing to the dugout "I'm tired!" No shit John. When you look like the Michelin man, you will be tired.

Relief Pitchers: Bob Wickman, Bobby Jenks, Jonathan Broxton, Matt Capps, Rich Garces, Antonio Alfonseca, Heath Bell, Todd Coffey

These closers need to learn how to close their frickin mouths. It is hard to tell if these guys are active during the game in the bullpen (HAHAHA). They sweat at the idea that they may have to run or jog to the pitchers mound. The reason why they stopped using bullpen carts was because none of these damn guys could fit in them. When Heath Bell, ironically named after a candy bar, ran out from the bullpen this year at the All Star game, everyone in attendance and watching was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. Sad, ahh not so much. Closers and relief pitchers get the reward for professional athletes who are TooBig4Society.