Tonight, as I was driving home from the wonderful shit-hole called Scranton, my dad calls me and asks if I want to go to the Trenton Thunder (AA-NY Yankees team) game. My first response was "Why the fuck would we do that?" I agreed to go and my only justification was that we got free tickets. I would rather run the Boston Marathon without training and have my life at stake if I did not finish than pay to go see one of their games. While at the game, I was like who is the ass-hole that invented these dumbass between inning games. I feel humiliated for this damn people. The only thing worse than this was the Yankees signing Hideki Irabu. My dad out of nowhere goes to me "Remember that time you dressed up as a hamburger at that hockey game??" This is my story.
So, my fellow companions of the wonderful University of Scranton (which I just received a B.S. from, which obviously doesn't stand for "being skinny") decided to go to $1 Dogs and Beers at the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Penguins ice-hockey game. Thinking we would beat the crowd and get absolutely plastered, we conveniently arrived at the game at 6:45pm for the 7:05pm start time. We walk in and find out that $1 beers are over at 7:30. Fuck. We all took off running to various beer vendors scooping our 2 beers at a time and chugging them.
So, now with a nice buzz, my friends (who I will call these names for their own protection) "Wolfe, Beast and Carey" all have atleast 4 beers in front us at a little table. The other 8-10 people that went were already at our seats. We finish 3 off and are pretty much drunk at this point when one of the girls who works at the arena asks Carey and us if we want to be in a hamburger making contest. I thought in my head that we would have to literally make a hamburger at a station or something and eat it. Boy, I was dead wrong. After negotiating to get a free T-Shirt for participating, we all grab another round and go to our seats. We had to leave half way through the first period to go get prepared. We all buy another beer, and after we signed our Health Liability Forms, chugged that beer and went downstairs to get prepped.
Once we get downstairs, there are 4 big hamburger bun outfits and 4 Little Tikes helmets along with big styrofoam condiments. It was explained to us that one person had to lay on the ice and the other person had to run around and place the condiments on top of their partner and then jump on the other person to finish the hamburger. I get the bun outfit on and try to get the helmet but it was too damn small. I looked special. I looked like that kid in little league whose parents didn't feel like buying him a new helmet so he had to use the same helmet from tee-ball. The teams were picked and it was Wolfe and I. After much debate, Wolfe (weighing in at 150pds) would lie down on the ground and I (150pds squared) would jump on him. The employee of the stadium intervened and said there was no way I was jumping on anyone, because they didn't want the ice to break. FUCKED UP!! Heres the thing though, Wolfe had a broken ankle and was drunk in his boots on this slippery ass ice. We were doomed. It was the Cripple and the Special Kid.
We get out on the ice and getting a standing ovation from 5,000+ fans at the arena as the announcer named us "Team Manwich". I lay down (more like flopped down on the ice basically cracking it) and the was colder than a Snowman's gooch. The dude counts down and blows the whistle and Wolfe had the reaction time of about 10000000000 seconds. So already were at a disadvantage with his ankle and he gets a delayed start. To make things EVEN BETTER, he almost busts his ass running to the lettuce. He picks up the pace and is throwing them at me and I wasn't going to let any of those condiments fall off (as usual). All of a sudden, after he picks up the tomato I see him bookin' it towards me. I have a belly full of beer and hot-dogs at this point (among other assorted foods) and started to cringe. Wolfe takes off and it looked like a WWF wrestler was about to belly flop me from the top turnbuckle. Wolfe lands on me as I almost throw up all over the ice and the asshole announcer/commentator/d-bag of the century comes running over and shoves the microphone down my throat and says "YOU WON!!! How do you feel??" Flabbergasted, dazed, confused, and with all that beer back into my throat I scream "Ruthless!!!!!" as those 5,000+ people go insane cheering for us along with our section.
So yes, yours truly did dress up as a hamburger bun and successfully won the burger build off. That is TooBig4Society.
To provide you with more entertainment, there is a video embedded in the bottom of this article.
Before I conclude, there was another TooBig4Society moment at the hockey game. One of my biggest fans that night and one of my favorite neighbors of all time, who we will call "Bags", had a notary TooBig4Society night. Bags definitely took advantage of the dollar brews as he probably finished 12 and probably the same amount of hot dogs too. With that not being enough, Bags took off to the concession stand. Upon his arrival he screams "I bought family size french fries! If you want any, lemme know." After the initial cheer and about 5 minutes later, I yell down for some. To my amazement he goes "Sorry bro" and flips the bucket over and not even a crumb as left in that mondo bucket. This bucket was huge. Not just your ordinary run of the mill $14 dollar fry bucket. This thing could of held over a third world country for a few hours. For that, we honor you Mr. Bags here at this site.
I wish they knew how illegal it was to get 4 drunk kids to sign a liability waiver. You left out the part about Bags farting on the Penguins mascot haha
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