In high school I always pictured college like a combination of Van Wilder and Animal House. You know, absolutely gorgeous girls running around in bikinis all day and just being absolutely hammered all the time. That is why I was so pumped to start visiting colleges and see what it was actually like. So one night, Ben calls me up and was like "Do you wanna go visit Rowan tomorrow with me and my family?" I said sure why the hell night and so the next day we went.
Like any orientation, the morning part of the visit was absolutely horrendous. I would of rather had my dick chopped off then sit through another minute of those god damn videos. Throughout this whole entire orientation, there was no little snack stations set up anywhere. I said to myself, how the fuck can I come here, I may literally starve to death. So now its about 12:30pm and Ben and I look at each other and go, "we're STARVING!!" We said fuck it to the tour and bounced to the cafeteria.
The moment we stepped into the cafeteria, it was like the heavens had opened and an angel choir was singing HALLELUJAH! It was the nicest and most vast selection of food I had ever seen. It was like China Buffet, Burger King, Pizza Hut's Lunch Buffet, McDonalds, Subway and any other fantastic food place you can think of had some wild orgy and this baby was born. Ben and I skipped through the cafeteria picking up whatever we can get (since we did a free voucher for lunch). I heard the cafeteria people cry as we were walking through. While we were checking out, these two absolutely smokin girls come over to us and ask us if we wanna hang out with them for a while back in their room. HAHA! Yeah right, it was the lunch lady yelling at me because my hamburger almost fell off the side of my tray. Damnit life.
Anyway, we pay and the only table we can find is in the center of the cafeteria. Great, now Shamu and Free Willy have to venture out into the middle of the whole cafeteria. The tables and chairs were so close to each other leaving us a whopping 2 inches to squeeze through. I have never sucked it in more times than that day. We are about 2 tables away from ours, when all of sudden from behind us we hear this table of asshole buttplugs scream "MOOOOOOO!!!!!!" That's right, they fucking MOOED at us. At first I thought I was the only person who heard it.
When we got to the table, Ben whispers over to me, "Dude, did those kids moo at us?!" I look at him in disgust and say YUP!! We looked at each in disbelief and had the most disappointed looks of all time. It was like we both lost our puppies at the same exact time. Who the fuck moo's at people in the cafeteria?! Seriously. We were being compared to 3300pd animals. Whats next? Are people gonna walk by and jump outta the water like whales do? I hope the kid got herpes or a severe flat tire or something. The rest of the visit, we just held our heads in shame and couldnt wait to get the hell outta there.
A couple weeks later, an envelope came from Rowan to my house, and before I even opened it, I wiped my ass with it and burnt that shit (literally). Granted, it was probably the most entertaining thing that ever happened at a college visit, but it was also the most depressing. But hey, we went on to crush more box and brews (more so the latter part) than we could possibly imagine. Anytime I think of Rowan now, I will always remember the time Ben and I got moo'd at like fucking livestock.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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