Bad Boys, Bad Boys Whatcha Gonna Do

The first thing I would like to say is thank you for the amazing feedback on Fat Guy, Little Tube. For anyone who has been texting me or facebook IM'ing me, thank you as well. They act as motivation for us to continue to bring you the best internet stories and videos of all time.

So yesterday, all of your writers of TooBig4Society decided it would be a good idea to go play volleyball for the first time since we founded our intramural team I.H.O.P (I Hate Obese People) in highschool. I have never seen more sweat drip off such large body surface areas in my life. The collective sweat from Ben, Beavis, Jordan and I could of atleast filled 2 baby pools. It was damn near disgusting. After 2 hours of playing, we decided to go back to my humble abode to just sit in my pool and that's when TooBig4Society as a whole got pulled over for the first time.

Before we get into the car, we had to try and wipe as much sand off as possible from areas including but not limited to: double/triple chins, love handles, ass cracks, gooches, rolls, and ungodly amounts of backhair (I think I have one piece of backhair, but Ben and Jordan have enough for the 3 of us combined). We hop into my little ass Honda Accord which now became a low rider with the collective almost 1000 pounds in it. As we are approaching the light at the intersection there is kid getting what seemed to be a ticket from 2 cops in a deli parking lot to our left. Thinking nothing of it, I honk my horn at the light in hopes of turning it green. Ben yells FATASS!! from the backseat and says "Stop Fatboy, your gonna get pulled over." Not thinking much of it, I honk again and another epic fail.

So now I turn left onto Route 130 with my gas pedal pushed down through the floor board. In a cool 5 mins, I finally reached around 60 m.p.h. My car engine sounded so strained, I thought it was going to end its life right there. Pulling around 1000 pds. with 180 horsepower is worse than Chinese water torture. I make a right to go towards my neighborhood and BOOM! the lights go on and I smelt bacon (not because I was hungry, but because this cop pulled me over). For some reason the 4 of us always look (in cops eyes as ruthless criminals) because the moment the guy pulled us over, he put the flood light on us. I don't know if it was because normal headlights cannot fully illuminate us, so the cop can fully see the 4 of us but whatever. Not one person in the car has a seatbelt on and Jordan is shirtless in the front seat. Recipe for disaster. The cop comes up and goes what I thought "What are you doing?" and I intelligently responded "Oh! Going to my house" and he said "NO!, I said How are you doing?" Fuck.

The guy then proceeded to ask for drivers license and what not. The cop kept checking me out and looking at me strangely. Probably because at DMV I may have lied a little and put my weight down as 215 (I thought he was going to recognize me from Fat Guy, Little Tube). The cop then proceeds to go to me "Was that you who honked your horn at the light. If it was you, why?" Do you wanna know what my clever response was "Well, Officer, I heard a rumor that if you do, the light turns green." All of a sudden over his walkie talkie we all hear "We have an Asian male passed out in the corner. Not sure if he's conscious over." The cop now looks into the backseat and see's a case of Budweiser between Ben and Beavis in the backseat. He asks for all our ages and everyone says 22, except Ben who says "Yeahhhhhh I'm like 22 and a half.......ish." At this point I'm bound to get arrested. The cop was not pleased whatsoever. After a few more questions, the cop lets me off. The cop booked it outta there. I assume it was to help this knocked out Asian kid or it have may been from the ungodly sight of fat kids sweating their asses off and smelling something equivalent to baby shit.

The moral of this story is A) do not drive with 2.5 other fat kids and B) honking your horn at a light will not turn it green. This was TooBig4Society's first run in with the law, but I doubt it is the last. Thank you also to the kid who passed out and got me outta 3 tickets (cop tried to give me a ticket for speeding, but after he saw who was in the car, he knew the only time we heard speed was in speed-eating). I hope you have recovered successfully.